Two Years Ago...

Oct 20th 2007
As the time of arrival of my sweet Xiana swiftly approaches, I am overwhelmed with emotion and feelings that are so complicated, it is difficult to breathe. Before I have even met her, I want to protect her from anything bad that could ever happen to her. My heart breaks with concern that she will have challenges, and difficulties of any kind. Yet, there is something impenetrable about experience that can never be taken from any individual. I recognize the value of every problem she will ever have in her life, knowing from my own life the vast accountability and knowledge that comes from facing your challenges and making your own decisions, even if they are wrong. So instead of worrying about how to protect her from this world, I find myself delving into the duties of teaching her all there is to know about life, the world, inner value, self worth, and every other tool that will assist her in living a peaceful, fulfilling life. You always hear about what a mother's dreams are for her children... I find that I don't care at all what career she chooses, which school she attends, who she marries etc. I care that she is brave, loved, lovely, happy, intelligent, goal oriented, kind, optimistic, generous, courageous, vivacious, loves God, and loves herself always! I hope that, as her mother, I can be all of those things to help guide her in the direction that I know will be profoundly satisfying. And after I have done all that I can do to be an example to her and lead the way, I hope that I am brave enough to step aside when she makes those crucial mistakes, always forgive, and always remember that she has been entrusted to me for a reason. With that service and responsibility comes all the blessings of happiness that exist in this world! So thank you Xiana....I love you very much!

Nov. 2 2007
I didn't know that I would be feeding Xiana 12 out of 24 hours. I didn't know that the color of poop could make me laugh or cry. I didn't know that she would need to be held around the clock. I didn't know that I could feel so inadequate and so needed at the same time. I didn't know that the whole world could change into something else, but that the sky would still be blue. I didn't know that when your heart is finally whole, it breaks. I didn't know that I would love her so much, I would do anything to make sure she is happy. I didn't know how beautiful it would be to kiss her lips. I didn't know that a tiny flicker of a sleepy smile could make my soul laugh, inside and out. I didn't know that it was going to be this hard. I didn't know that it was going to be this worth it. I didn't know how long it took to type one handed. I didn't know that late night t.v. was so bad. I didn't know that nothing in this whole world mattered...except the joy of the angel who visited the earth on Oct. 25th at 8:01 am. I didn't know I would be so proud. I didn't know I could be so trusted. I didn't know that life is astonishing. I didn't know that the most important thing in this whole world is the needs of a baby. I didn't know that serving another human being hand and foot is the most rewarding thing in life. I didn't know the present is more important than the future or the past. I didn't know that she would be perfect, I just didn't know.

The important things

Yesterday I got mad at Xiana for throwing her food on the floor. This is a battle that we have quite regularly. A lot of people think I shouldn't invest so much effort into curbing the natural actions of a toddler. But this is one of my biggest pet peeves in the universe so I harp and I time-out and I yell, and I get mad. Last night at institute we talked about how anger is not constructive and we shouldn't feel it...ever. I had already been feeling mom-guilt prior to this discussion, but the sentiments drove my guilt home. I felt bad. I felt so sorry that I had gotten angry with her for something so inconsequential. Yes, it is okay to discipline for intentionally being defiant (which I assure you she is!) but it is not okay to do it in anger. So I felt like poop and vowed to be a better, more patient, more loving, and more disciplined mother. Today I received a phone call from a dear friend's fiance. He was calling to inform me that Stacie didn't make it through the night. She has been battling cervical cancer for several years now and so it wasn't entirely unexpected. Still, I found myself being extremely humbled. Stacie has two young boys whom she will never again in this life scold, or hug, or discipline, or kiss, or teach, or comfort. I found myself feeling overwhelmed with gratitude that I have the luxury of holding, and comforting, and "cuddling" my young daughter. Tonight, when she threw her food on the floor, I calmly explained to her that we don't throw our food when we don't want to eat it. I then told her that the consequence of that decision was to stay in her high chair for a bit longer. After a few minutes she told me, "I finish my food. I no throw food on floor." I told her that was a very good choice and I loved her and I was proud of her. I then returned her plate and her tray and felt good about our exchange. She spent the night helping me clean the house, and then brought her blanket and scriptures to me and said, "I cuddle and read scriptures." To which I picked her up, laid her head on my shoulder, and read to her the teachings of Christ while silently giving thanks for the lesson she taught me. Now I sit and I pray that Stacie's boys will have someone to comfort them, love them, and teach them since she no longer can. Sometimes it takes losing someone we love to reassess our own lives. Life is precious and it can be gone at any moment. Maybe instead of spending so much time correcting, I should be dedicating my time to becoming a more perfect individual. I know that I need to re-prioritize my life in many ways. I am such a busy body... always on the go.... always with a million things to do. Sometimes the most important thing is to listen to the little questions Xiana asks, or to sit with her, really sit with her, and breathe her in and savor the time I've been blessed with. I'm thankful to know that tonight, Stacie is no longer in pain. Tonight, she is being comforted, cuddled, and taught. I mourn her loss, but I celebrate her life. Stacie, you will be missed. Thanks for yet another life lesson.

She talks and talks...

Xiana is pretty much non stop talking these days. I have no idea where she gets it from! Here are some highlights:

• While at sushi she demanded more water from the waitress....twice. Despite the fact that she had a full sippy, she really needed more water. The kind waitress complied after which Xiana said, "thank you so much." And later, when I convinced her there was no more room in her cup, "no thanks." She loves to be treated like an adult....especially at restaurants. I guess this shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, she was practically raised in one!
• My favorite expression that she uses regularly is "What happened?" It comes out something like, "whhhatt ghhhaaaapened?" It's darling! Someday I will figure out how to post videos and put one up of her saying that.
• We have been reading the scriptures at night and if you ask her what they say she says, "Jesus said (voice stern and low) no!" She is referring to Jesus telling Nephi's brothers to get their hands off of him. Still, perhaps I should be diligent about ensuring she knows other statements from Christ.
• Yesterday morning she told me, "mommy play songs" I asked if she wanted church songs or dance songs. She promptly replied, "primary songs" I then asked which one she wanted (there are 6 cds) she said, "I am a child of God--it's my favorite." Indeed it is. She can sing every word.
• Last night she told me, "Grandma sewing mommy's costume" I said, "yes, that's right," she recanted saying, "no, actually grandma sewing mine's costume."
• Suddenly the world of make believe is alive and well. I constantly catch her having conversations with her friends in the back seat and on her phone. She asks them things about their day and invites them to her birthday party. It is very sweet. One day she was talking to princess on her princess phone and she gave it to me. I got on her phone and said, "yes, yeah, I bought her new clothes and Kacie bought her a new toy. Yeah, I know, she's spoiled." She gasped, "hey, my turn." I returned her phone and she got on quickly exclaiming to princess, "I no spoiled!"
• She continues to call me Naya from time to time and it's pretty cute. I always tell her, no, I'm mommy and she says, "Naya mommy"
• We went to Cabelas where they have a presentation of all kinds of animals mounted in life-like poses. There is a lion that has taken down a zebra and is eating it. In addition to Xiana being able to name most of the animals in the store, she took me aside and assured me that, "zebra crying." She is so perceptive to emotions and social cues. She walked in during a fight scene in a movie that Garrett and I were watching and she cried, "Guys mean mommy!" and hid her eyes.
• Yesterday at the park she spent well over an hour making food out of the gravel and wood chips and then sharing it with me. She was so focused that I just let her entertain herself for a long time. Finally, she gave me more "food" and I asked what it was, "crocodile" she informed me. Where does she come up with this stuff?!
• She can now sing her abc's
• She also sings twinkle twinkle little star---at the top of her lungs all day long
• She is excellent at putting puzzles together and can name just about anything you put in front of her
• While in the bath one day I walked in to find her with a travel size shampoo bottle running it across her face and legs. "I shaving my whiskers" she told me.
• One night after dinner she insisted that Brian give her a bath. So he did. They were having so much fun in there that I came in to play too. She (for the first time in history) rejected my company and told me, "Mommy No!" So I left and did laundry. I guess I should have been offended, but it was so wonderful for her to want someone else for a change.
• Whenever anyone sneezes she says, "zoontight" and then when you say, "thank you" she says, "weltome!" She has also mastered her "peez and tank tu" She's so polite!
  

Another gem

Seriously, was she ever this small?!!!!!!
Aww the mohawk days!

Apple Hill

One of my family traditions has always been to go to Apple Hill annually. We usually made a day of it ending with a delicious dinner in Penryn. This year we kept tradition alive and drove up on a Saturday. Boy how things had changed. Then again, some things never change:
Like in my childhood, we were SQUISHED into the back seat of mom's car. Dad drove like a maniac forcing Brian to take a nap in exchange for a vomit-free car. Mom nagged dad about how he was going to get us killed. We overindulged on donuts, apples, caramel, syrups, and cider. We got lost. We wore ourselves out so that the entire trip home was accompanied by cranky individuals desperately in need of some real sustenance... not sugar! And it was a memorable, enjoyable time! Still, I don't remember the petting zoo... but I guess I was young and it has been a long time.
Xiana loved feeding the mules though their mouths frightened her a bit
There is still a big fat pig at kids inc. just like I remember. Although I always thought there was more to do there. I guess the dirt (red dirt that I took a digger in) was more entertaining way back when.
It really is beautiful country; green trees as far as the eye can see.... oh yeah, and apple trees!
We ended up with a lot of delicious treats and learned that an empire apple (which I deemed my favorite) is a blend between Macintosh and Red delicious.
The fishing pond is etched into my memory as one of the best stops. I remember playing here with the Nances...old family friends.
Xiana and I would have driven this tractor for real... if they had left the seat!
Here we are at our first stop. The crowds have gotten overwhelming at Apple Hill. I do not remember it being quite so crowded as it is now. But hey, yay for capitalism~
We got back after dark and Xiana was extra tired from no nap so she went home with grandma and grandpa. Brian and I finished the night at Kacie's birthday party complete with an authentic attari (which is super rad dude).

BBQ-ing into fall

My good friend Kate hosted a BBQ last month encouraging the start of a new trend. So this month, I hosted one (at my parents house) see how nice that is.... to host a BBQ at somebody else's house? Although Xiana has recently started calling Grandma and Grandpa's house "mine's house" and "my mommy house." So, perhaps we really do call it home.... but I digress. Back to the BBQ. We had one and it was a blast. Here is Xiana with her party dress on. Isn't she cute?
While there were only 11 kids at this event, I have it on good authority that the cat would claim it to have been more like 111.
While brownies with marshmellows and frosting are oh-so-delicious, they are not the best idea when having a house full of guests on tile floors. They were tasty, but there was chocolate smeared from the kitchen to the garage.
Success!
This was really fun! I love that I have been able to get to know some of the young families in (and out) of my ward. They are my friends and I enjoy their company so much. Also, it's nice to be around others who are in the same stage of life with little ones and who have the same morals as I do. I must say, it's interesting to be back in Sparks with an entirely different social setting...refreshing even!

More Hiking

I'm feeling a sort of pattern emerging in my blogs...fountains for several months, then lakes, now hikes. Does it feel somewhat deja vu to read my blog? Yes? Well, too bad. The beauty of having a blog is that it's yours which means you can write whatever you want... no matter how boring it might be for others. So... back to my beautiful pattern of hikes...for posterity's sake :) Brian and I went on another hike (let's get real, this was several weeks ago, but what with all 3 of my classes turning in papers at the same time and me trying to spend every waking moment with my man....) but I digress... right, back to the pattern. We went to a new location up by Mayberry park and I gotta say, this is the ticket! It was a beautiful hike, but what's more, there were a lot of options. You could choose an easy hike, advanced, one that took you around the ridge, one that snaked the river, one that bordered the mountain, one that bordered the canal, one that went straight up, one the plateaued and then maintained a flat walk. So, unbeknownst to ourselves, we chose all of the above. I say unbeknownst because it was really quite accidental.
Here's Brian at the very start of our hike. It is still light out and the car is directly behind us.
It was a little late when we got started and Xiana was getting over the stomach flu so we planned on walking for about 1.5 miles and then turning around and heading home for dinner. All was going according to plan, but then we decided to go just a little farther. We passed several people who politely, even cheerfully said hello as they passed us. One such person was a nice woman on a bike with two dogs. Remember her because I will get back to her later in this story. We continued for about a half a mile and then turned around. Still, we are complying with our own parameters of this adventure.
As we walk back we look around our beautiful surroundings. Xiana is cheerful and being VERY good. We start discussing the finer things in life, share stories and secrets, fears and hopes, disillusionments and surprises. Essentially, we are having a real heart to heart. At one point in this walk Brian casually asks if that's our turn. "No," I quickly reply, "it was farther down than that!" So we keep walking, and we keep talking, and we are so thoroughly enjoying ourselves that we don't give our location a second thought for quite some time. Then Brian says, "ummm, I think we missed our turn. I'm pretty sure that our trail is way over there." As in, way across the canyon while we looking down from the top of the ridge. Never fear though, despite the fact that we have gone a little out of our way, Brian knows the way back to the car. We will just keep walking around the ridge until we get to a point that we can cut back down the canyon. And really, isn't it beautiful?!

So we continue talking and enjoying this hike. We still aren't entirely sure where we are, but are convinced that we have, indeed missed our turn, and that we will be able to find our way back. Right about the time we hit 5 miles, we pass the aforementioned women with the dogs and the bike and she exclaims, "Wow, you guys are walking the long trail tonight." We chuckle as we explain that we didn't really mean to do that, but that yes, we are indeed taking the long trail tonight. We walk around another ridge losing sight of the river all together, and come around another bend just as it starts to get dusk. I take a picture of all the birds in the trees and Xiana starts to get a little, shall I say, nervous?
It's past 7 and way past dinner, but because she has the stomach flu, she is not complaining about that. She is, however, requesting "mommy car" so Brian spots the place that we need to get to in order to make it back to our trail and we book it off the mountain the remaining mile in like 5.2 minutes...seriously... okay somewhat of an exaggeration, but we really did make it fast. Thank goodness that Brian is so good with directions because I might still be wandering around the ridge of that mountain talking about the finer things in life, eating cheese crackers and drinking water from his camel pack (that apparently is not called a camel pack, but that's a whole other story). Alas, as we careened around the last little curve, there it was... mommy's car. Which is exactly what Xiana was screaming, "there it is... mommy's car" with delight and relief. We hopped in, sped home, cooked and ate dinner, and called it a beautiful, successful hike; one which I will cherish as one of the best wrong turns I've ever made.

My growing girl

Xiana goes potty on her potty all day long at home. She has great bladder control (sorry, TMI?) She is such a big girl and she loves her potty.
Actually, she's getting really independent all around and tonight even started insisting that she needed to sit at her table instead of in her high chair.
And back to the park, but the real reason I included this picture in this post is because of the ridiculousness that is her boots. Seriously?! Is there anything quite so adorable as baby wanna be uggz?!
Like I said, she's really independent these days and has even taken on some of the household chores.

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes...

Or something like that.... So Brian is a hunter (have I mentioned that? jk) and apparently, when the season turns to fall, hunters go out of town a lot. Who knew? Actually, I find it quite amusing that I lived in Spanish Fork where everyone hunts and I guess I have been around people who hunt my whole life, but I have never found relevance to my life in their sports and so, have never paid much attention. One of my friends posted on her fb that she would delete any friends who posted pics of dead animals and all I could think was, 'how does she know this is the time of year when there will be hunting?' Call it blond or just obliviousness, but I never realized that when the weather starts to cool down, the hunters pack out of town. So...to make a long story short, or a long story even longer, or whatever, Brian was out of town for almost 2 weeks. And don't get all, "2 weeks is nothing" on me now because I've heard it all and I'm sticking to my guns (no pun intended). Two weeks is a long time! So Xiana and I packed ourselves up and headed out to Battle Mountain for the weekend where Brian would be making a pit stop. Fortunately, his sister-in-law was also having a baby shower this particular weekend, and I really wanted to go to it so it was a double win situation. The shower was adorable with a lady bug theme. Here we are with the mommy-to-be-times-three and the quilt I made for her shower (psych!!! the quilt my mom made since I am not so domestic).
Many of Brian's siblings were in town as well because I think I mentioned that when the leaves turn, the hunters head to the hills. This is his newest niece and she is such a cheerful baby! She was so good and clearly loves her uncle Brian. Xiana took a liking to her too... so much so that she took her cold home with us :)
This is me smoking everybody in the bottle drinking contest. I used to win chugging contests... I now am the master koolaid out of a baby bottle chugger.
I think I might have mentioned this a time or two, but I really need to get Xiana a trampoline. She loves them!
I did Ekco's and Xiana's hair the same before we left and they were oh-so-adorable!
I'm not sure, but I think XIana has taken a liking to Brian's mom. She kept giving me a kiss and then laying her head on Debbie's shoulder....
Just us... cheesing it up as usual.
It was conference weekend, but Brian's parents don't get it on TV so we actually went an watch it. The girls were amazing! They did so great. I think it helped a lot to have someone to play with for Xiana. The grown ups, on the other hand, were not so quiet :)
This was a very quick trip and I had good intentions of getting out of town prior to 4 but.... then we went to feed the ducks and it was too much fun to leave.
Don't let their feathers and timid expressions fool you. These ducks were the most aggressive little beasts I have ever laid eyes on. Xiana squealed with delight as the geese chased the girls for their popcorn.
Xiana and Ecko played all weekend long and seemed to enjoy each other so much. For the past few days Xiana asks Brian roughly 20 times a day, "I see Etto Brian" so that he will show her pictures on his phone. I love this picture!

She found a stick...what fun!
He looks calm, but I think Brian was secretly afraid of the ferocious ducks as well. :)

I park!

Xiana tells me on a fairly regular basis, "I park."She loves to play at the park...I guess that's just part of being 2. She tells me, "you sit" so that I can bounce her on the teeter totter.
She climbs up and slides down all by herself (even on the crazy big slides that sometimes hurt her, once splitting her lip).
She recently learned that she can maneuver the wall climbing and has persisted in doing so ever since.
But by the end of the day she is pretty tuckered out!

Toilet Paper Terrorist

I got a new camera and so I ran to get my memory card out of my video camera (which hasn't been used in at least a year) and came across this gem of a picture. This is Xiana over a year ago. In those days I liked to refer to her as the toilet paper terrorist. Isn't this awesome?!

Brad Paisley with pictures y'all

This was on our way out from lunch at Joe's Crab Shack
Here we are tailgating with our mug root beer ;)


I have been to a lot of concerts in my life….a lot! Brian is a country fan so I bought tickets to go to Brad Paisley last weekend. I sheepishly enjoy country music. I scarcely vocalize that point, and I almost never listen to it. Still, I like country and at one point owned a significant amount of it (right before all my cds were stolen). At any rate, I went to this concert because I knew Brian would enjoy it and I figured it would be entertaining at the very least. Oh contraire, my friends, contraire. This concert was beyond entertaining! Walk with me a moment and I will try to do justice to this experience. We arrived to the parking lot 3 hours early….that’s right, 3 hours! We were supposed to go on a boat ride in Sac, but I never found the location so we went to sleeptrain amphitheater early with high hopes of finding something, anything to do. Instead we drove around for an hour and then joined the tailgaters. When we first pulled up I was stifling my laughs as the parking lot resembled EVERYTHING I would have stereotypically ascribed to this joyous occasion, right down to the red neck hot tub (on the bed of a pick up truck). There were countless cowboy hats, boots, wranglers, jean skirts, and the entire parking lot appeared as if flannel plaid had thrown up on it. Seriously, I was thinking that I should have worn my plaid dress or something in order to fit in with the crowd. There was Coors and Budweiser as far as the eye could see with the majority of the recipients sporting lips bulging with Copenhagen. There were any number of trucks, 4 wheel drive vehicles, and bumper stickers. Additionally, the tailgaters had little grills out BBQ-ing away as they waited for doors to open. I was immediately surprised at the amount of people there. Some 15,000 people showed up to watch Brad Paisley. Brian informed me that Brad is HUGE which I now believe. Initially I couldn’t suppress pangs of hilarity as I listened to bits of conversations and watched in horror as drunks yee-hawed. But then we entered the amphitheater, and everything changed. From Jimmy Wayne (the opener) to the grand finale, I was swept away. As you know, country music is based on story songs. It is one of the few genres that listeners can deduct what is going on just by listening to the lyrics. Because of this, I felt as if I was privy to the intimate details of the lives of these musicians for several hours before I was forced to reclaim my own life and mind. It. was. Intoxicating. I didn’t know a single song Brad performed, but by the time I left, I knew him, well enough to call him Brad :) I watched, jaw dropped, as he grew from a precocious child to a furtive teenager. Through song, he enlightened me on his vulnerabilities and dreams, his goals and desires, and then…his future. I wiped tears away as he proposed to his wife and hurled me into a new dimension with the birth of his child. He lugged me along to feel the spirituality of fishing, and the hilarity in trying to stifle a boy’s desires. He supported me while he sang about the poignancy of technology and the beauty of surprise; the challenges that come with scientific advances as well as the overpowering strength of biology. Through him, I felt pride and dismay for our country. He evoked pity and embarrassment while simultaneously encouraging congratulatory sentiments for the girls of his youth. His last song, dedicated to alcohol, made me miss, (if I’m really being honest) for a split second, the familiarity of intoxication. He was believable, real, and at the end of three hours of music, he was my friend. I can’t say that I’ve ever felt that way after a concert before. There’s something so different about a country concert. I’m converted! So if anybody has the opportunity to check out a chicken kickin’ boot stompin’ bull ridin’ show… do it! You won’t be sorry!