I think she gets it

Xiana has been mimicking everything everybody says for a little while now, but I was unsure how many concepts she actually understood. I now know that she pretty much gets it. Today she was spinning in the living room (one of her all time favorite past times) and stopped saying, "I dizzy." Later, we were at the grocery store and she was struggling to get out of my arms. I told her that she couldn't walk because we had to be really fast. She continued to throw a fit until she got out of my grasp and onto the floor at which point she proceeded to swing her arms as she ran through the supermarket whispering, "fast fast fast fast fast." Clearly, she gets it. Over at a friend's house today after going to the bedroom to wake her friend's daddy, she confidently told me, "I wake daddy too" and at home this evening told me, "I wet" and "I poop" according to her nether regions. She also tells me, "I sad, I tired (tiwed), I shoe on, I shoe off, I diaper change" etc. The list goes on and on. It is the best experience to get to watch as she pieces together her surroundings and is able to verbalize concepts that she clearly understands.....What a little smarty pants!

Has it really been a week already?!

So, we have been in Sparks for a week now and I can't believe how the time has flown. For so many months I have been longing for the luxurious relaxation of being done with school and living with mom and dad. It has been wonderful, but I can't say there is anything relaxing about my new found freedom. Apparently, I did not want to relax as evidenced by the fact that 7 days have flown by crammed full of bbqs, pools, playing in the yard, walks, writing, and hanging out. Despite this first week not being full of zzzzzz, it has been bliss. Here are a few things we have done since arriving back in Sparks: Xiana has found a new best friend.

I can't say that said friend is altogether pleased with the revisions of her peaceful child-free household, but fortunately she is not the boss! I told my mom she got the cat here under false pretenses.... no kids!
Xiana has also really enjoyed being able to look for her "gah pa in the coseet (closet) after he gets home from work and joining her for breakfast in the morning. She loves to chase the "kii cat" around and go for walks on the golf course. She does not, however, love that we do not let her jump in the "wah wah" on the golf course. Like her mother, she thinks any body of water is available for swimming. So... Grandpa remedied the situation and got her a pool.

It clearly doesn't take much to keep us happy! She is thrilled to have her bed in her new house, but doesn't quite understand that we are gone from Vegas. She desperately misses her friends and after several days kid free got a visit from my cousin and his kids. Xiana was eating dinner in her high chair when they arrived and she promptly said, "all done...kids!! kids!! kids!!!" She then proceeded to play with her cousins and have a blast. We are working on some play groups to help assist my little socialite. We went to church in our new ward:

Previously I posted that Santa would be bringing dishes to my little kitchen helper this year, but grandpa decided that December was too far away and purchased an array of dishes and pots and pans. She now makes us "cakes and mashed potatoes and hot dogs and water" and insists that everyone in the house tastes her delicious concoctions.



Additionally, I have learned all kinds of things about Xiana that I didn't know. For instance: she can count to 10 all by herself. She knows the words and tunes to A LOT of songs. She understands EVERYTHING! Grandpa was looking for his camera yesterday and she was underfoot while I was preparing dinner so I told her that grandpa had lost his camera and could she please help him find it. "Yeah" she said, and off she went. A few minutes later she yelled down the hall, "I find it, I find it" Playing along I responded, "you did? Did you tell grandpa?" "yeah" she authoritatively responded. Right then I looked up and she was dragging his camera bag over her shoulder telling me, "here you do" I don't even have a camera bag so she is just as observant as she could be. There are a lot of things that she knows and does that I didn't realize because she did them at school while I was away at work or school of my own. I am so grateful to be able to spend this time with her and just wish it would last forever.

Finally, here are some pics of our last few days in Vegas. Again, you are all greatly missed!!

We said goodbye to friends

We hung out with friends at bday parties

we said goodbye to useless hats

We went to many fountains many times

We got a cute hairdo from Jauna

We hung out with friends

And we, fortunately, got to meet baby P before we left LV!!!

Online Dating Part Deux...

So my wonderful friend Deborah came over to help me clean and pack last week. I showed her one of my future husbands and explained my frustrations about this whole online thing. Then I decided to take a gander at all the individuals who have looked at my profile. This is where part 2 begins. Whilst we were perusing the pages of guys who have looked at my profile and NOT sent a message, Deborah was gently encouraging me to send messages, not flirts. "Be bold," she told me, "what have you got to lose?" (by gently I mean slapping.. really slapping me on the arm yelling and getting so excited it was, I'll admit, contagious) So, I start sending messages. Again, what do I say? Well, Debbie has all kinds of great things to say. Pretty easy to be so bold when it IS NOT YOU! hehehe "This guy from Australia is perfect," she exclaims, " you have to send him a message!!!" Okay, what? what am I supposed to say to a man in Australia when I have no intentions of ever moving there. Let's keep looking and we will return to him at which point, I promise her, I will write a message. Then....instant messenger pops up. Hey, this guy is kinda cute. Nevermind that he lives in Utah and has not come up on any of my 200 mile radius searches. So, we start talking and, thanks to Debbie's gentle encouragement, even flirting with each other. Then, another window pops up, and another, and another...Man, these guys are coming out of the woodwork, I can't even keep them straight! But Deborah can. That's Travis, that's Josh.... so "who have I told what?" I ask her. I am having 3 of the most different conversations you could ever have on im. I'm about to be Josh's pool girl (or is it Travis?) and Benjamin and I are having a religious conversation. As crazy as it was, I have to admit it was fun. In addition to these ims, I also (again, by way of Debbie slapping and yelling) left like ten messages to guys. She even tried to convince me to leave a message for my didn't-respond-to-my-flirt-jerk-that-I-am-never-flirting-with-again-guy, but I drew the line. You gotta have standards right? I had not checked this site again for a while because I was busy with my move so yesterday I checked out my progress. 2 responses!!! That is it! So... I'm back to square one. Still, thanks Debbie for making it so much fun and letting me realize that if they don't like me or nothing comes of it, or they don't respond or whatever.... it doesn't matter because they don't know me. Also, thanks for a perfect day of dinner, temple, and frozen custard.... I miss you!

Farewell

It's hard to believe that four years ago I was busily preparing emotionally and physically to leave Reno and head to sin city. Ironically, I was leaving in an effort to escape my crazy lifestyle, not to seek more fertile pastures of illicit fun. I know it sounds mental to GO to Las Vegas for a calmer life, but that is exactly what I was doing. I had been feeling lost and trapped and overwhelmed for quite some time and just really wanted a fresh start. I had ambitious goals of going back to church and mellowing out. Initially I was completely unsuccessful in my endeavors, but over time... a baby.... and the rest is history. It is interesting that I didn't really think it was the best idea to move to Las Vegas. In fact, on the contrary, I was pretty sure that I was making the wrong decision, but I didn't care. I felt suffocated, surrounded all the time but lonely too. I had to get out. So I did. I will never know whether moving to LV was the right or wrong decision, but I do know that it was the best decision I have ever made. Four years later I am back in Reno, a better person, a stronger person, a happier person. My motivations for leaving are as opposite as they could be from my first move. This time, I KNOW that it is time for me to be here. Because I have a close relationship with my Father in Heaven, I am utterly confident that this is the right place for me right now. Unfortunately, this time I did not feel suffocated. I did not want to leave my friends. I did not feel lost or lonely. This time, I simply did what was right for me right now and embraced the impact so many dear people have had on my own and Xiana's lives. Had it not been for all of my friends.... ALL of my friends, I would not be the person I am today. Right at the gate I was fortunate to make lasting friendships, rekindle friendships from home, and redefine who I am, was, and will be. I have seen my closest friends pack up and leave Las Vegas knowing that I would be following them shortly. While I was heart broken to see them go, I also knew it was the best thing for them and it enabled me to see that I had so many other friends right under my nose; friends that came out of the woodwork and meant and mean so very much to me. I feel completely spoiled to have been the lucky recipient of so many lasting and memorable relationships. I credit visiting teaching for creating many of these special unions. Other friendships were forged via walking in the mornings, playing at the park, or working at both House of Blues and UNLV. Wherever the seeds were planted, all flowers have bloomed. I want each and every one of you to know that you have directly impacted, influenced, comforted, uplifted, consoled, humored, taught, and loved me and Xiana. And for that I thank you all! I know it's totally cliche, but sometimes people really do leave footprints on your heart....and you are never the same. Thanks!

Buyer's Remorse

I have taken roughly 1 million pictures of my 19-month-old child. In addition to those, I get her pictures professionally taken every few months. Portrait innovations has this sweet deal where you can get a whole package for $9.95 and I am really good about only getting the one pose.....usually! Today, I took her to get her pics taken. "Only one outfit?" the picture taker asks, "yes," I firmly respond, "we are only getting the $10 package." From the very start of the shoot I was taken. Every shot was adorable and before even viewing the pictures I knew this was going to be a hard selection. I could feel my resolve weakening which made me a ripe victim of the sales associate. Following typical protocol, we whittled the selection down to my favorite 7 poses. "This package is $99 and includes.... furthermore this is the last package that 3 sheets is $16," she informs me. Well, 100 bucks is way too much for a child with so many pics. I will never in my lifetime have enough wall space for 7 8x10s in addition to ALL the others. So, I tell her, "lets narrow it more. I don't LOVE these 3." Great! Now we are down to 4 poses, still too many, but do-able. Unfortunately, now that I have eliminated all those pictures, the price is $86. What? You mean to tell me that for $13 more I can get the whole package? Never mind that I don't love the other 3 poses, that's a steal! So, we go back through and re-add the rejected photos at which time she adds in 3 11x14 collages, like I am going to have space for those! I pay the $117 (totally duped I know) and immediately have buyer's remorse. What was I thinking? They're cute, but the one pose would completely suffice. Too late now. The damage is done. So I take my bulging envelope and leave this photo shoot with 7 poses of THE SAME OUTFIT!! with my tail between my legs vowing to NEVER do that again. I usually have such self control when it comes to these shoots. Oh well, I did get an awful lot of cute photos. So, I get them home and immediately start cutting out wallets to send to my siblings and friends. If I spent this much money on them, they better be put to use rather than sitting in the envelope for a year like the last ones. And what do I discover in my package? A CD containing all of the pictures, rejected and bought. To add insult to injury there is also a calendar, thrown in because I bought the largest, most ridiculous package I ever could have purchased. With the CD I could have spent 99 cents on every additional sheet I wanted to print. I was completely taken. She saw my weakness and went in for the kill. Maybe next time I should take an objective outsider to help restrain my spending on pictures that may or may not ever make their way onto my walls (apart from the original one of course). So to all of you lucky recipients of 7 wallets already headed in your direction, I apologize. Just times that by 8x10s, 5x7s and 11x14s and you will commiserate with my picture overload making your measly 7 photos in the same dress seem utterly insignificant. And don't worry, I have learned my lesson, and will never do that again!

Smile, Wink, You're Cute

Some of you might know that I have had great intentions for quite some time of joining an LDS online dating service. Well, the time has come. No more excuses, no more "I'm far too busy" no more " I wouldn't have time to date even if I met somebody." So, I joined and immediately jumped in searching profiles and finding eligible bachelors roughly 27 to 49, temple worthy who frequent church often. Oh yeah, and they must be within a 200 mile radius of Reno (I know that's a stretch, but you should have seen the selection when I did a 50 mile radius). I committed and paid for 3 whole months giving myself a pep talk about being outgoing and aggressive. Surely I can meet somebody. After all, I tell myself, you're a catch, you just have to make sure that people meet you in order to discover how great you are. Ummm, can I just say that online dating is awkward, somewhat humiliating, and so far utterly unproductive. I hear success stories all the time about sites like these. I have a ton of friends who met their significant others on eharmony or what have you. Yet, I find myself hitting conundrum after conundrum as I attempt to navigate my way through this crazy site. What should I say about myself? What do I write? How old is too old? What pictures should I put up of myself? How do I come off as interested without seeming (or feeling) desperate? So I opt for simplistic and positive. I select just a few pics and then write a very short blurb about myself. After all, if somebody is interested they will ask more detailed questions right? And by the way, isn't it at least awesome that you can learn so much about somebody just by the simple question, "are you endowed?" I mean, we're half way there right? No! Because the basic info portion of getting your profile set up, as I have discovered, is only minimally uncomfortable when compared with the rest. Once my profile is set up (and approved) I peruse the site and start looking for Mr. Right. Here is where I really get into trouble. Right at the gate I find 3 guys... good looking, check, live in or near Reno, check, endowed, check, like the outdoors, check, seem remotely interesting, check. Now what? What the heck am I supposed to say? Completely incapable of thinking up anything clever to write to any of the aforementioned eligibles, I opt for the chicken route and send a "flirt." These nifty little gadgets exist at the bottom of the page and consist of anything from smiling to saying "you're cute." I gotta play it safe so I send smiles to all three and then go out for the night. When I get home, one has responded, "thanks for saying hi. I like Vegas and travel there often." Okay, so not much to work with, but it's a start. So I write an equally vague response and then obsess about how I have not heard back from my future husband. Doesn't he know that he's perfect for me? After all, he's cute, he's a single dad, he's within driving distance of my soon-to-be home, what more could he ask for? After giving him an entire 12 hours to respond, I discover that every time I click on his profile, it shows him that I have clicked on his profile. Ahhhhhh, stalker blocker is probably in the works. There goes that life with 2 kids and a business. But what's worse is that, upon discovering that he can see when I click on his profile, I also realize that I can see who has clicked on mine. So I take a gander. Low and behold, one of my 3 future husbands has looked at my profile and ignored my flirt. I immediately get anxiety about the rejection. Does this mean that my 20 word blurb about myself wasn't enough to make him fall madly in love with me? Or worse, did he see my picture and determine that I wasn't cute enough for him? Ahhhhh, that jerk! He doesn't know what he's missing by not responding to my flirt. I am never flirting with him again! The anxiety is killing me. Okay, new plan of attack. I guess I have to write a message next time, none of this smile wink you're cute stuff. So I find somebody that has looked at my profile and I write, "I see that you teach at UNR. I went to UNR and am moving back to Reno next week." Wait, scratch that. That sounds so lame, like I am applying for a scholarship or something. So I start over "You seem interesting, if you want to chat, drop me a line" Ummm, I don't think so! Erase, erase, erase! Eventually, I abandon the whole thing and send a "hi." I proceed to go to bed and in my dreams, I am being told by the LDS singles administrators that if somebody doesn't respond to you, that is because they checked you out and didn't like what they saw. I wake up alternately amused and disturbed. This online dating thing is, so far, not for me. Smiling, winking, and saying "you're cute" just comes so much more naturally from a human being :)

The bottom lip

As many of you know, Xiana mastered the pouty bottom lip before we even left the hospital. Here is is in full effect. Notice how she immediately switches to a giggling child. She knows just how to use that lower lip. It's as if she was given very specific instructions on how why and when to use that tool of manipulation. Unfortunately, it often does the trick (whatever trick it is aimed at) because it is so darn cute. Another little trick Xiana did this week was after she bit me I told her to go to time out. So....she skipped there. That's right, she skipped and then looked over her should repeatedly with an expression on her face that said, "okay lady, am I done yet?" I really tried not to laugh, but to no avail. I'm pretty sure that time out experience was utterly useless in breaking her of the bad biting habit. Oh well, better luck next time.

It's official

I am an official graduate. I now have a master's degree in English Literature, and I am so proud! Graduating is such a surreal experience. All that hard work and those moments of "will I ever make it?" are replaced with elation, relief, and "that wasn't so bad." It's funny how quickly we forget hard things, particularly when we accomplish great things. I am done. I am happy. I am sad. I am writing simple three word sentences because I can, and sometimes they say it all. In addition, I have given myself the go-ahead in creating new words. At the park I said "exaggeratory" and my mom said that a graduate should not be using words that don't exist. I quickly corrected her and assured her that college graduates get to make up words. Oh the luxuries of being learned so good :) On a hilarious side note, at commencement they would not shake hands dues to swine flu. What an appropriate ending to my stay at UNLV. That evening we had a BBQ to celebrate and I am so grateful to all of my friends who came to play and share the day with me. I love you all and you will all be greatly missed!

I see it fountain!

I keep a fairly extensive journal for Xiana and I at one point had high hopes of documenting every word she ever said. Alas, she is only 19 months and I have already discovered the futility of the endeavor. He language is exploding at such a rapid pace, it is impossible. Still, she is starting to create sentences which is great fun for me to listen. Today, when we were heading to the water fountains at Town Square she said, "I see it fountain!" Later she told me, "I wet" and before we left I asked her is she wanted to wear her clothes or her swimsuit and she emphatically said, "suit." I find such delight in each and every word she learns, says, or makes her own. She has discovered a new love in the fountains. The first time I took her she would not get out of my arms. Then, when my mom and dad were in town this weekend we ate at Town Square and went to the park where she fearlessly and fully dressed ran screaming through the fountains for over an hour. My mom and dad got such a kick out of watching her and after we left my mom said, "I will always remember watching her in those fountains today." Naturally, I think that everything Xiana does is amazing, but it is nice to hear it from others sometimes :) Despite getting blasted in the face several times, she chased the kids and squealed with delight.

Have a Nice Life

Today, in the almost last class I will ever have in the MA program, I walked out with a fellow classmate. Upon reaching the entry way he said, "Well, we'll probably never see each other again. Have a nice life....seriously." And that got me to thinking. Isn't it strange how we affect each other, remember each other, share such important parts of our lives with each other only to one day say, "have a nice life"? Then I began considering how many many many people fit into this category of life. Certainly the vast amounts of named individuals that will somehow disappear into the back corners of my mind have influenced me. They shared papers, thoughts, commiserated over lengthy assignments, terrible students, unfair administrators and the like. I know where they work, who their favorite authors are, their frustrations and strengths. I was there when they went through break ups or break downs, rainy and sunny days. They saw me through a semester of pumping, organizing every minute of my time to somehow make it through this program, panicking over my comps, walking on cloud nine when my comps were through, busting out papers, just busting papers. And now, I will say goodbye to professors and students, fellow classmates and co-workers, and I can't help but think about how important they have been to me, and will continue to be. I have learned so very much from all of them, and while I will not forget their names, I might, at times, forget that they exist. Eventually, they will be tucked away neatly somewhere in my long term memory because my short term memory will be too full of the new individuals that collectively make up the group of people I will someday tell to have a nice life. It's fascinating really, when you think about how important this vast group of insignificant people are. (Insignificant as in not the most prevalent figures in your life, not as in not significant) So thank goodness for Face book, blogs, and cyberspace helping to comfort me in this moment of sadness. Due to technological innovations my "have a nice life" can quickly turn into make sure you friend me on fb. I guess my point is, there are so many remarkable things in life and EVERYONE influences everyone else... it's pretty cool!

Dinners with Danny

I have gone to yogurt land 4 times this week and gone out to eat a whole bunch. I forgot that Danny was always my partner-in-totally-cheating-on-my-diet-crime. The last two nights I have not exercised until 10:00 because that's how long it's taken to digest gobs of food and dessert. Here are some pics of our eating out extravaganzas.

Cute hair

Seriously?! Isn't it darling?!

The Last Page

Yesterday I typed the last page of the last paper that I will ever write for my Master's degree. What an overwhelming feeling it was to finish the last of hundreds and hundreds of pages. As I put the finishing touches on the last paper and re-read for the last time my criticism, a tiny tear escaped from the corner of my eye. I'm not trying to be all mushy boo hoo or anything, but I really did shed a tear. It was a tear of joy, a tear of relief, of exhaustion, and accomplishment, but above all it was a tear of pride. Not the "I'm so amazing aren't I?" type of pride. It was a different sort of pride all together. It was the pride that says, "I can't believe I did it. I am astonished that I made it through something that was so hard, but seemed so effortless at times." It was the kind of pride that made me feel simultaneously self-congratulatory and gratefully humble. I feel so overcome with joy it is hard to put into words. Still, at the core of it all is the underlying knowledge that I had so much help. I know with every fiber of my being that I am incapable of accomplishing this on my own. I am so thankful for the tender mercies of the Lord and His willingness to get me through so many times that just felt utterly impossible. I recognize that I am not the first single mom to get through school, but often in the last year and a half, it felt as if I was. But always always always I had the comfort of knowing that God knew what I was going through and He rooted me on, made things work for me, and comforted me when I was afraid or discouraged. So like I said, this type of pride is different than most. It is one that encompasses a massive sense of accomplishment AND an immense sensation of gratitude and humility. I am so elated. I am so relieved. I am so thankful. I am so proud. And best of all, I am so done!!!