As the time of arrival of my sweet Xiana swiftly approaches, I am overwhelmed with emotion and feelings that are so complicated, it is difficult to breathe. Before I have even met her, I want to protect her from anything bad that could ever happen to her. My heart breaks with concern that she will have challenges, and difficulties of any kind. Yet, there is something impenetrable about experience that can never be taken from any individual. I recognize the value of every problem she will ever have in her life, knowing from my own life the vast accountability and knowledge that comes from facing your challenges and making your own decisions, even if they are wrong. So instead of worrying about how to protect her from this world, I find myself delving into the duties of teaching her all there is to know about life, the world, inner value, self worth, and every other tool that will assist her in living a peaceful, fulfilling life. You always hear about what a mother's dreams are for her children... I find that I don't care at all what career she chooses, which school she attends, who she marries etc. I care that she is brave, loved, lovely, happy, intelligent, goal oriented, kind, optimistic, generous, courageous, vivacious, loves God, and loves herself always! I hope that, as her mother, I can be all of those things to help guide her in the direction that I know will be profoundly satisfying. And after I have done all that I can do to be an example to her and lead the way, I hope that I am brave enough to step aside when she makes those crucial mistakes, always forgive, and always remember that she has been entrusted to me for a reason. With that service and responsibility comes all the blessings of happiness that exist in this world! So thank you Xiana....I love you very much!
Nov. 2 2007
I didn't know that I would be feeding Xiana 12 out of 24 hours. I didn't know that the color of poop could make me laugh or cry. I didn't know that she would need to be held around the clock. I didn't know that I could feel so inadequate and so needed at the same time. I didn't know that the whole world could change into something else, but that the sky would still be blue. I didn't know that when your heart is finally whole, it breaks. I didn't know that I would love her so much, I would do anything to make sure she is happy. I didn't know how beautiful it would be to kiss her lips. I didn't know that a tiny flicker of a sleepy smile could make my soul laugh, inside and out. I didn't know that it was going to be this hard. I didn't know that it was going to be this worth it. I didn't know how long it took to type one handed. I didn't know that late night t.v. was so bad. I didn't know that nothing in this whole world mattered...except the joy of the angel who visited the earth on Oct. 25th at 8:01 am. I didn't know I would be so proud. I didn't know I could be so trusted. I didn't know that life is astonishing. I didn't know that the most important thing in this whole world is the needs of a baby. I didn't know that serving another human being hand and foot is the most rewarding thing in life. I didn't know the present is more important than the future or the past. I didn't know that she would be perfect, I just didn't know.
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