The important things

Yesterday I got mad at Xiana for throwing her food on the floor. This is a battle that we have quite regularly. A lot of people think I shouldn't invest so much effort into curbing the natural actions of a toddler. But this is one of my biggest pet peeves in the universe so I harp and I time-out and I yell, and I get mad. Last night at institute we talked about how anger is not constructive and we shouldn't feel it...ever. I had already been feeling mom-guilt prior to this discussion, but the sentiments drove my guilt home. I felt bad. I felt so sorry that I had gotten angry with her for something so inconsequential. Yes, it is okay to discipline for intentionally being defiant (which I assure you she is!) but it is not okay to do it in anger. So I felt like poop and vowed to be a better, more patient, more loving, and more disciplined mother. Today I received a phone call from a dear friend's fiance. He was calling to inform me that Stacie didn't make it through the night. She has been battling cervical cancer for several years now and so it wasn't entirely unexpected. Still, I found myself being extremely humbled. Stacie has two young boys whom she will never again in this life scold, or hug, or discipline, or kiss, or teach, or comfort. I found myself feeling overwhelmed with gratitude that I have the luxury of holding, and comforting, and "cuddling" my young daughter. Tonight, when she threw her food on the floor, I calmly explained to her that we don't throw our food when we don't want to eat it. I then told her that the consequence of that decision was to stay in her high chair for a bit longer. After a few minutes she told me, "I finish my food. I no throw food on floor." I told her that was a very good choice and I loved her and I was proud of her. I then returned her plate and her tray and felt good about our exchange. She spent the night helping me clean the house, and then brought her blanket and scriptures to me and said, "I cuddle and read scriptures." To which I picked her up, laid her head on my shoulder, and read to her the teachings of Christ while silently giving thanks for the lesson she taught me. Now I sit and I pray that Stacie's boys will have someone to comfort them, love them, and teach them since she no longer can. Sometimes it takes losing someone we love to reassess our own lives. Life is precious and it can be gone at any moment. Maybe instead of spending so much time correcting, I should be dedicating my time to becoming a more perfect individual. I know that I need to re-prioritize my life in many ways. I am such a busy body... always on the go.... always with a million things to do. Sometimes the most important thing is to listen to the little questions Xiana asks, or to sit with her, really sit with her, and breathe her in and savor the time I've been blessed with. I'm thankful to know that tonight, Stacie is no longer in pain. Tonight, she is being comforted, cuddled, and taught. I mourn her loss, but I celebrate her life. Stacie, you will be missed. Thanks for yet another life lesson.