A couple of months ago Danny urged me to write another blog about where I am now. It had been a year since the last and what better time than Xiana's first birthday? While I agreed with his idea, nothing quite spoke to me (and I never had time to dig for the thoughts I needed). Then, today, he said to me, "Happy Birthday, this is the 4th birthday I've known you for." This spoke to me…. Rather than writing an update on the last year, I found myself pondering the implications of the years past for me (before and after Xiana). It's not that it has been so long, it is simply that things are so different. So, on my birthday, today, I am chronicling my 4 birthdays in Vegas. These speak measures about…well… me!
First Birthday in Vegas: I had only been here for a few months and didn't know very many people. I was working at House of Blues and Chevys at the time and, let's be frank, despising both. I was scheduled to work at Chevys that night, but one of the servers (I honestly don't remember her name) offered to work for me since it was, after all, my birthday. As luck would have it, it was another Chevys employee's birthday as well so there were plans for a big bash at the Peppermill. Like typical Lenaya, I jumped on that party train in a heart beat. First, I met at a bar with Mona (one of my only friends here in LV at the time) had drinks and dinner with her and then went to the Peppermill. That was the first and last time I have been there. I don't know why. It was so comfortable as it is EXACTLY the same as the one in Reno. I really had to keep reminding myself that I was not in Kansas anymore. I partied the night away with a whole bunch of nameless people. We ordered drinks, danced (truly, that's how drunk I was), and many of them tried to teach me Spanish. All in all, it was a fun night. Still, at the end, on my way home, I found myself feeling homesick and all alone. I went to my little one bedroom apartment, and slept on the blow up mattress on the floor that I was using for a couch in front of the TV. That was my first birthday in Las Vegas.
Second Birthday in Sin City: Jump ahead a year and I have made close, lasting friendships. Not only that, but Bobby and Toby now live here. On this birthday Danny, Sarah, Wendy, and Mike show up at my place (still my little one bedroom apt. that is so full of memories the new occupants can probably hear the walls speak) with all kinds of goodies. For one thing, a Sparks cake. Yes, the energy beer that I was a walking commercial for forever! An exact replica of a sparks can (which had also been my Halloween costume a month earlier). They also gave me a Courtney Love diary book, and a lazy susan stocked, and I mean stocked, with every condiment you could ever imagine (they had learned so much about me in a year). Thanks guys, really, that was so awesome! Sooo, we headed to Rum Jungle where we met up with the rest of my peeps including Mona (hasn't missed a Vegas Birthday yet) and Bobby (proved to be my sanity that night… and chauffeur). The next day Fawn and Miss Jackson were telling me all kinds of stories that I positively do not remember. Actually, I will admit there is a whole lot about that night that I don't remember…my coming of age has been a long process. While I had a good time and was so pleased at the turnout of all the people I care about coming to wish me a happy day, I was unsettled. When I look back at this time in my life, I feel as if I should have known something big was coming. When I go back and read my journal from these months, it is so telling of someone lost, searching for something else. I do remember feeling discontent and hopeless, but ambivalent about my hapless circumstance. I was wasted constantly and life felt meaningless. Here I was, 27 yrs old…the number I had always thought of as the number of extremes, the number where either something really great, or really terrible was going to happen… so it did, so it did!
Birthday three in the land of the living: This birthday might prove to be my most memorable birthday, not due to what I did, but to how I felt. I had a 4 week old Xiana, and I was still so scared. I went to sushi with Mona, Danny, Sarah, Wendy, Mike, Stacie, and Tiffany. It was delicious and so much fun to see everyone. Mona wrote my card from Xiana and it made me cry (it wasn't hard to make me cry those days) and everyone really pulled together on my behalf. It was great to get out of the house, but I was tired, and probably still experiencing some baby blues. Xiana was crying and I didn't have my nifty cover to nurse her. As soon as we got to the restaurant she had a big blow out in her white pants. I laughed about it…and truly thought it was funny. Again, I had a wonderful time, but I hadn't gotten past the guilty mother stage yet and when Xiana screamed the whole way home, I felt like a bad bad mom. At the restaurant Danny and Mona took Xiana (and looked like her real parents) and pacified her while I ate, but by the time dessert came, it was time for her to eat and it was all I could do not to run out the door. Still, I hope this doesn't sound like complaint because it really was wonderful! I was just still so scared and irrational in those days…what a far way I've come! No longer worrying about my next bottle, I was overcome with concern for my new sweet baby. I was frightened and nervous, and excited and in love all at the same time. People were still taking turns holding her while I took naps (remember those days guys?) Thanks so much! I couldn't have done it without you all. No longer homesick for friends, I wanted my family! Xiana was hardly sleeping at all and I latched on to every word of encouragement from every single person who gave me some! The next night I went to dinner with Toby and Bobby and opted to go to CoCo's because it was close and easy. I knew I didn't want to take very long because I didn't want to feel guilty again. We went to eat and Xiana slept peacefully in her car seat the entire time. There was a table next to us with a 6-month-old boy. He was so enormous and seemed so old, all three of us marveled at the prospect of Xiana being that big in 5 more months. I guess we can keep marveling because she is nowhere near the size of that kid. We went home to my 2 bedroom "home" no longer a crash pad or party house, but a genuine home! I wish I had the words to convey how very strange it all was a year ago… but there just aren't words to describe what only experience knows.
Birthday four in Southern NV: Today I went to breakfast with Annie and Aubrey and Debbie (and kids). These are some of my many friends from church as I am extremely active now. No more bars to meet up, Sunday school instead! We usually go walking but opted for IHOP today instead. I ditched school and went shopping for some new books for Xiana. A year ago I couldn't fathom going back to school. Now I am teaching, taking classes, and graduating in May…seriously hard to believe! Anyway…new books-- She wants to read the same ones over and over and I am getting really tired of them so it really is a gift to me to buy her new books. Then we came home and played for a while. When she went down for her nap, I took a shower (last year Christine came over and held her while I showered) and did some reading for school. She woke up from her nap and we played some more and got things ready for dinner for her and her babysitter Maryann (who is oh so wonderful!) After her sitter arrived, I headed to Bobby's and we had sushi and then went to the show Toby works on "Legends." Dinner was delicious and the show was really fun. I drank a virgin pina colada, and Bobby had a mai tai. Toby had Elvis wish me a happy birthday on stage, so I guess my Vegas experience is complete… It was really nice to be out without Xiana, especially knowing she was in such good hands. We checked out the dancers, clapped and talked and really had a wonderful time. About half way through the show I realized that I still exist. I still have thoughts, and feelings, and experiences aside from school and mom. I think moms often lose their identities when they become moms because you never get to take that hat off. So closely is your job description tied to who you are, that sometimes they feel inextricable. Alas, I am still Lenaya, a mom, and everything else. Sometimes taking a night off is the only thing that reminds you of that. I had a wonderful time tonight and look forward to doing it again sometime. But at the end of the night, I came home, paid Maryann, and then peeked my head in at my sleeping, independent, beautiful baby and thought about how I had missed her tonight and how grateful I am to be her mom. On Sunday I am doing the big birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory and it will be a blast! I will miss Sarah and Danny and Miss Jackson, and all the Vegas casualties that I am thankful for in my memories and future. What a different life I would be living were it not for all of you! Xiana will probably run around and be the social butterfly that she is. I won't have to feel like a bad mom, and when she cries at the end of the night, I will know that she had a great time and is ready for bed. I won't feel like I've done something wrong, for I know her now, and I know that when babies get tired, they cry. And that's okay. She will eat a great dinner and scream for more cheesecake (so will I) and then we will go home, say our prayers, and sleep peacefully in our comfortable house, in our comfortable lives, content…fulfilled…and looking forward to what my next birthday will bring.
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