funeral

Dad's funeral really was perfect.  I recognize that sounds like a complete contradiction in terms, but I truly feel it was exactly how he would have wanted it.  Every one of his children participated in the service.  It was ridiculously well attended (like that's a surprise!). Dad always said that funerals should be used as missionary tools.  His was for certain!  Every person walking out of there commented that they wanted to be better, stronger, more kind, more Christ like.  Months later people are still telling me how his funeral reminded them that they can do so much more.  Dad did so much more.  Always.  At the end of the service, I felt such a peace come over me. I truly felt his spirit filled with pleasure, pride, and approval of all that was said.  It was an honor to have two general authorities and the stake president speak.  It was touching to see how many people he's influenced, affected, and impacted in his life on earth.  The numbers are countless.  Truly.  He left a mark on all who knew him.  I am honored that he is my dad.  Like others, I feel the urgings to be better.  To be kinder.  To be softer. To care more about all people.  To always be someone he would be proud of.  Life in the weeks following the funeral got much more painful.  Everybody said it would. I guess I didn't understand that it could hurt so badly despite the sure knowledge I have that I will see him again and that he's in a better place.  In the following weeks that was sometimes of little solace as my heart was so very broken.  Time eases our suffering, I know.  And truly, time does seem to help.  And yet, here I am months later and still every time I wake up my first thought is, my dad is dead.  He is not here. It's still challenging to even grasp at times, though I feel his spirit often, and I also feel peace more often every day.  It remains the front-most thing on my mind.  It's hard to fathom that I can't just pick up my phone and call him or drop my kids off for piggy back rides. And yet, I can also see how much our suffering teaches us.  My testimony is stronger than it ever has been before.  I understand the atonement in a way that I never even considered before this. I know that in time he won't be the first thought in my mind.  But I also know that until I see him again, I will never stop missing him.  I think of how much that must also be true of our separation with our Father in Heaven and of Christ.  If we remembered how important their presence was, I imagine it would be more than we could handle.  It's remarkable, really, that we are able to love so fully, to mourn so sincerely, and to strive so imperfectly to perfect our earthly selves that we may some day return to live with all we love.