Where is your joy?

The house is eerily quiet. I just went to bed for a few minutes after a long, but productive day. I found myself lying there, thinking about my days, and nights, and weeks, and months, and years. I found myself unable to sleep. I thought of all the remarkable things my children do, the remarkable things my husband does, the remarkable things my family and friends do. I felt such an urge to get up and write. I'm not sure why. I woke early this morning to carry two sleeping children in the still dark and crisp air to the car so they could hang out with grandma while I went to work. I graded a ton of papers, taught four classes, watched TV with Brian. My day was full and yet... here I am...awake feeling the urge to write. Something that has been on my mind a lot now is the most amazingly wonderful Relief Society broadcast several weeks ago. I know that many of my dear friends have already had the opportunity to hear this, but alas... many have not. I recognize this is awfully belated, but still... here goes. In order to fully grasp the significance of this talk, I must first place you in my day... or week... or month prior to listening to the Forget Me Nots.
The very day of the Relief Society broadcast I was consumed by a series of thoughts that actually seemed to take over my brain. This feeling of complacency. Okay so, here it is. I am constantly grading. Grading grading grading a great many papers, just a hundred last week. While I grade I regularly write on essays, "What is the point? Make this meaningful." Oh, had I never written these words, perhaps I would not have been plagued by a misguided pity party this day. Instead I was consumed by these words when applied to my own life. I found myself at a loss to make everything meaningful... what is the point? I'm sure the onslaught of these feelings could be related to a new baby and a busier than usual schedule this semester, but still. I felt like all I do is drive and live this boring life where I drop kids off, pick kids up, go to work, come home from work, clean the house, make meals, clean up meals, do the laundry, put the laundry away, work, home, housework, driving, juggling, juggling, juggling. Get excited for something fun, yell at my kids, feel disappointed, yell at my spouse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, pump. I found myself feeling a bit grass is greener mentality while I pined for a day to blog. Truly. blog. Then I thought, how pathetic, or is that pathetic? Is is actually not pathetic but substantial and meaningful or is is just a waste of pathetic time? Get to the point, what does it mean? Make it meaningful. Does it even matter? Then I listened to the talk by Elder Uchdorf and discovered something marvelous, miraculous, life altering. For there is something that matters very much. Surprisingly it is in the tedious, daily, ins and outs of this life even when everything feels annoying or boring or obnoxious, or just plain unfair. It is this simple and eloquent truth, "you are truly precious daughters in God’s kingdom." It's true. Even when every day is exactly the same, I am still blessed. It might not be fireworks; it might not mean date night every night. You still have responsibilities.. you still have to can, you still have to get things done, do the dishes, play with the toddler, feed the baby, take care of those you love so that they might of joy and experience. And that. is. fulfillment. Who knew? Yet, as he spoke, a simple understanding crashed over me.
He said this, and I stopped, and I held my breath as I listened. For he was speaking to me. Surely, he was speaking only to me. He spoke of a flower so aptly labeled the forget me not. It has five petals and representative of each, he had a lesson for me. for only me... for just little old boring pathetic me. First, he said, "forget not to be patient with yourself." Ohh if words could convey how these words rocked me to my very core it would be astonishing, nothing short of miraculous if you could understand what it felt to have the permission to be patient with myself. Then, as I looked around the room at the tear soaked faces, the silent sniffles and tissues, the half smiles while trying to look composed, I knew....everyone felt the same. The Lord guided this sweet man to say exactly what we women needed to hear. Be patient with yourself. You see, part of my bad attitude was a direct result of my increasing impatience with everyone around me, but most of all, with myself. I felt so utterly inadequate in all aspects of my life, that it was hard to find joy in anything. I felt guilty, impossible, and frustrated. He said, "Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.

In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences."

And that, my friends, is what I was doing. I was missing some of life's sweetest experiences because I was looking for something fun, exciting, and easy. The second forget me not is "forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice." If only I could have somebody else prioritize for me. It's funny that I was so annoyed that I couldn't blog because I had to grade papers and can fruits and vegetables. I forgot that there is a good and a foolish sacrifice. I also forgot that for everything, there is a season.

The third: "forget not to be happy now." He compared life to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He spoke of how people were first grateful and happy with the chocolate bar, but soon began only caring about the golden ticket, or lack thereof. They were so busy waiting for the golden ticket, that they could no longer be happy in the now. Direct translation: when is it going to be fun? When is it going to stop? When am I going to be done? When will I be as happy as her? When will my children behave like theirs? When will I get to go on a fabulous anniversary cruise? Like Elder Uchdorf states, "The tragedy is that this dear woman, in all her disappointment about her golden ticket, failed to notice the blessings she did have." I was that woman. Sometimes I still am, but I'm working at it now. I don't want to wait for happiness to make me happy. I want to appreciate and be grateful for all the happiness that I have today, here, now. I am so very very very very very blessed. Again, his words spoke to me. They whispered in my ear reminding me how much joy my children bring to me, how much I adore my husband who works hard for our family, how fortunate I am to have the gospel, an education, a job. "The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."

Fourth? "Fourth, forget not the “why” of the gospel....The “why” of obedience sanctifies our actions, transforming the mundane into the majestic. It magnifies our small acts of obedience into holy acts of consecration." Enough said.

"Fifth, forget not that the Lord loves you." And this is where the tears really started because I knew this all along. I don't know why I didn't remember. I don't know how I could forget. This talk was like Heavenly Father's arms enveloping me, comforting me, encouraging me, rooting me on, forgiving me, and helping me to be dedicated to serving, loving, obeying. "Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!
He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom." You are not forgotten! "My dear Relief Society sisters, you are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine. Continue to increase in faith and personal righteousness." I went home renewed, revived, recharged. I'm excited to share this revelation. I hope I don't forget the little forget me not. The most powerful flower in the world.