Smile, Wink, You're Cute

Some of you might know that I have had great intentions for quite some time of joining an LDS online dating service. Well, the time has come. No more excuses, no more "I'm far too busy" no more " I wouldn't have time to date even if I met somebody." So, I joined and immediately jumped in searching profiles and finding eligible bachelors roughly 27 to 49, temple worthy who frequent church often. Oh yeah, and they must be within a 200 mile radius of Reno (I know that's a stretch, but you should have seen the selection when I did a 50 mile radius). I committed and paid for 3 whole months giving myself a pep talk about being outgoing and aggressive. Surely I can meet somebody. After all, I tell myself, you're a catch, you just have to make sure that people meet you in order to discover how great you are. Ummm, can I just say that online dating is awkward, somewhat humiliating, and so far utterly unproductive. I hear success stories all the time about sites like these. I have a ton of friends who met their significant others on eharmony or what have you. Yet, I find myself hitting conundrum after conundrum as I attempt to navigate my way through this crazy site. What should I say about myself? What do I write? How old is too old? What pictures should I put up of myself? How do I come off as interested without seeming (or feeling) desperate? So I opt for simplistic and positive. I select just a few pics and then write a very short blurb about myself. After all, if somebody is interested they will ask more detailed questions right? And by the way, isn't it at least awesome that you can learn so much about somebody just by the simple question, "are you endowed?" I mean, we're half way there right? No! Because the basic info portion of getting your profile set up, as I have discovered, is only minimally uncomfortable when compared with the rest. Once my profile is set up (and approved) I peruse the site and start looking for Mr. Right. Here is where I really get into trouble. Right at the gate I find 3 guys... good looking, check, live in or near Reno, check, endowed, check, like the outdoors, check, seem remotely interesting, check. Now what? What the heck am I supposed to say? Completely incapable of thinking up anything clever to write to any of the aforementioned eligibles, I opt for the chicken route and send a "flirt." These nifty little gadgets exist at the bottom of the page and consist of anything from smiling to saying "you're cute." I gotta play it safe so I send smiles to all three and then go out for the night. When I get home, one has responded, "thanks for saying hi. I like Vegas and travel there often." Okay, so not much to work with, but it's a start. So I write an equally vague response and then obsess about how I have not heard back from my future husband. Doesn't he know that he's perfect for me? After all, he's cute, he's a single dad, he's within driving distance of my soon-to-be home, what more could he ask for? After giving him an entire 12 hours to respond, I discover that every time I click on his profile, it shows him that I have clicked on his profile. Ahhhhhh, stalker blocker is probably in the works. There goes that life with 2 kids and a business. But what's worse is that, upon discovering that he can see when I click on his profile, I also realize that I can see who has clicked on mine. So I take a gander. Low and behold, one of my 3 future husbands has looked at my profile and ignored my flirt. I immediately get anxiety about the rejection. Does this mean that my 20 word blurb about myself wasn't enough to make him fall madly in love with me? Or worse, did he see my picture and determine that I wasn't cute enough for him? Ahhhhh, that jerk! He doesn't know what he's missing by not responding to my flirt. I am never flirting with him again! The anxiety is killing me. Okay, new plan of attack. I guess I have to write a message next time, none of this smile wink you're cute stuff. So I find somebody that has looked at my profile and I write, "I see that you teach at UNR. I went to UNR and am moving back to Reno next week." Wait, scratch that. That sounds so lame, like I am applying for a scholarship or something. So I start over "You seem interesting, if you want to chat, drop me a line" Ummm, I don't think so! Erase, erase, erase! Eventually, I abandon the whole thing and send a "hi." I proceed to go to bed and in my dreams, I am being told by the LDS singles administrators that if somebody doesn't respond to you, that is because they checked you out and didn't like what they saw. I wake up alternately amused and disturbed. This online dating thing is, so far, not for me. Smiling, winking, and saying "you're cute" just comes so much more naturally from a human being :)