Psycho- analysis

Last week I had my high school students write poems following the format of "I too" by Langston Hughes. Now, I will grant that the poem is dramatic and certainly follows the motif of teenage drama so what I received should not have come as a surprise to me. I asked them to speak from their hearts and to write about themselves, who they are. The poems I got were beautiful, tragic, haunting, and filled with teen angst. At first I found myself somewhat envious of them. They are still capable of defining themselves in such dramatic, self indulging ways. Their ability to just put their raw emotions out there was both shocking and satisfying. Then I felt a little sad. Sad because in them, I saw so much anger and discontent; so much passion and confusion. It made me wonder if I was ever like them. Then I felt silly for reading so much into it. Of course I wrote poems just like these when I was 15. Of course they are filled with teen angst...they're teenagers and they're filled with upheaval. Yet there was something so profound about their expressions. I remember feeling with such intensity about people and things that wouldn't hold a candle to the people and trials of my future. Still... when you're a teenager you're so honest, so confused, so lost, so alone, and yet, you know everything. In these poems I saw so much anger, fear, such defensiveness. Already so many of these kids have built walls in ways that could be destructive to them. It surprised me how much pain I saw in these kids, but then I was reminded that you can't feel joy without pain so.... I guess they are on their way to extreme joy. I also found myself analyzing my own feelings. Why is it that we are so capable of such passionate emotions as teenagers and then so much more muted as adults? In a lot of respects, I have considered myself to be quite rational over the last 5 years or so. I don't feel like I am particularly moody, or emotional, or sensitive. This is, in part, because I was single. It's easy to maintain one emotion when you aren't actively involved in a relationship. Xiana was too young to really push my buttons, and I was lost in the void of motherhood, incapable of seeing anything beyond my own frantic circle of "new mommy." But now, suddenly, I am emotionally tied to her and she can make me want to simultaneously scream and laugh. Likewise, since I have been dating Brian, I suddenly find myself feeling and expressing so many things I thought I had left by the wayside. Jealousy, insecurity, anxiety, joy, peace, happiness, passion, excitement. So the adult me and the teenager me are really not so different at the root. It's just that the adult me is better disciplined and more equipped at keeping raw emotions at bay. Also, with more wisdom comes the ability to discern and then articulate what I am feeling making me more able to get to the source of most emotions and then deal, clarify, or validate them. I will admit, however, that I'm still a sucker for writing a haunting, dramatic, narcissistic poem when the mood strikes me right. I guess I'll settle for a brooding blog instead :)