disclaimer: this is bordering a pity party woe is me post... yet I recognize it could be way worse and I am very fortunate... more on that later.
My first week back to work was tiring. My schedule is pretty crazy. I get up at 5:30 and get ready, then I feed Kolton, then I load them both up, then I drive 15 minutes to my parent's house (though not last week because my mom was out of town which was extra busy), then I drive 25 minutes to TMCC , then I teach for 75 minutes (my eye on the clock the whole time worrying about how the baby is doing: is he hungry? will he last until I get there or will mom break down and give him a bottle?) Then I run out of the building as fast as possible not even enjoying my rare moment of solitude on the drive back because I'm racing now to make sure I get back in time to feed my little man. It takes me about 30 minutes to get back there where I feed Kolton twice and then drive for another 30 minutes to UNR where I park a little over a mile away and then walk as fast as I can into my ancient classroom, breathless and one minute late. I teach for 50 minutes and then I go to the bathroom in the ancient building because I have exactly 10 minutes to pump and can't make it to my office. So, I stand at the door where the outlet is and every time someone opens the door (busy bathroom this one) I get thumped on the back by the door. And there I stand while 18-year-old Freshman avoid eye contact as my pump screeches, "wicka, wicka, wicka, wicka." I try to think of waterfalls and comfort and my baby, but last time I only manage to squeeze out 3 ounces which isn't all together surprising considering the lack of comfort. This would be infinitely less embarrassing if I had to pump at TMCC with a diverse population of students rather than this cookie cutter corridor of college freshman probably watching me thinking that is a pretty good reason not to have children. One girl did talk to me which was crazy. Then I went in to teach my next class and 4 of the 6 girls who had gone to the bathroom were in it. When we did introductions and everyone stated their major, the girl that talked comfortably to me over the wicka of the pump was a OBGYN major... what a surprise :) So, I teach for another 75 minutes and then book it back to my car 1.5 miles away (and actually I'm grateful for the exercise, but again, I feel like I'm racing against time and I have to get there as soon as possible to feed my baby and relieve my dear sweet mom who has taken my children for me for almost 15 hours per week rather than the usual 6 which is a big difference). (and also mind you I am carrying a ridiculously heavy backpack, a pump, and in the mornings, a diaper bag and clothes for both kiddos). I race to her house, feed Kolton, pack up the kids and drive home. Then I feed Kolton another time and sit for roughly 30 minutes before I have to eat something to tide me over and head out again, this time to Mount Rose highway. So, I drive for 35 minutes, teach for 75 minutes and drive for 35 minutes again...slightly panicky, completely and utterly exhausted, where I feed the baby, feed myself, and then we get the kids ready for bed. So, throughout the week I teach for 12 hours and drive for 7. It's kinda a big deal.
So.. the silver lining: despite being anxious about the well being of my children (actually, let's get real, I know they're fine. I find myself more concerned about the well being of my mom. Is Kolton crying? Is he fussing? Is he sleeping? Is she gonna decide she doesn't want to do this after all? Is Xiana being a little sassy pants? etc etc etc.) Oh yeah, I forgot this is the silver lining part. Okay, instead of paying my entire paycheck to an impersonal daycare, I get to leave my kids with their grandma, and for part of the morning their grandpa. And that's pretty amazing. Also, I desperately needed 4 classes and the Lord provided me with them... despite the insane schedule. Plus, I get to nurse and feed my baby. I know that many working mothers have to abandon nursing as soon as they go back to work and I'm grateful that there is a way to continue feeding my little Kolton (and save a fortune in the process). Another bonus is that I now get to listen to many many books on cd so I can catch up on a lot of the books I've been too busy to read. And finally, I love my job. Like all jobs it has it's days and it's moments, but overall it is a rewarding, fulfilling job. On Wednesday I had a women in tears explaining how she just wasn't getting it and she was so frightened and overwhelmed and, like many of my adult students, hasn't written a paper in 10 years and feels so inadequate. I love being the person that teaches the tools of writing, but more importantly, builds confidence in the writers. I loved seeing her walk away after a long talk, visibly more relaxed, relieved, and determined. I love seeing the transformation in, not only the papers that are turned in, but my students' abilities and talents as well. So, chaotic yes, impossible no. Plus, I just keep thinking about that first semester back to school when Xiana was younger than Kolton. She was too far for me to be able to nurse between classes so I had to pump more than I nursed. Plus, she was in a day care and she was there for 40 hours per week, not 15. I know that it could be worse. I recognize that so many mothers have it so much harder than this, particularly single mothers or full time working mothers. While I complain about the schedule, and believe me I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted (as evidenced by my messy house and stacks of laundry) I am still very grateful for my life. I wouldn't want to trade with anyone...well except for maybe.... just kidding!
wow Lenaya, I knew it was a crazy schedule but when you explain it all it is amazing that you can do it! you are awesome! you just do what you can, and it will all work out. I am sure your mom is fine when you're gone, and that is so nice that she can help you. I pumped in the bathroom a few times in public places, like once in the convention center during an all day scrapbook crop that I was helping be in charge of and the twins were babies. the only outlet was right by the mirrors, so I had everything on the counter and every time someone would come in that was the first thing they saw! even though my back was turned to them, the mirror was right in front of me and it was a double pump. Hello! it's pretty funny now, but I remember being super embarrassed!
ReplyDeleteHang in there...maybe you should eliminate just one of those trips and let Kolton have a bottle...the cost in gas is probably more than 6 ounces of formula.
ReplyDelete