Mother's Day

This was my first Mother's day present... in October of 2007. Shortly after I found myself pregnant with her, Mothers' Day rolled around and Danny got me a card. I was emotional and remember being quite touched and overwhelmed by the fact that I would, indeed be celebrating Mother's Day from here on out.
This year, on bed rest with my latest Mother's Day gift, Xiana planted some flowers for me.
And has faithfully watered them daily since.
And Brian purchased these beauties in red yellow and orange to plant in front of the house.
Right here... and has also diligently watered them since (and brought them in and out as weather dictates).
So this Mother's Day was filled with an array of beautiful sights and smells.
And a luxurious steak and shrimp dinner with fruit dipped in chocolate for dessert. I felt pampered and loved... and swollen and tired... all at the same time! Being in that state I couldn't help but reflect on what it really means to be a mother. I had been feeling extremely guilty for the amount of time I was letting Xiana watch tv... especially in the later months when I was feeling tired and then forced to watch a lot of tv. I was also feeling terrible about my lack of patience, my inability to find fun projects to do, and my all around lack of mother-ly-ness. Then it occurred to me that those feelings are just part of motherhood. When Xiana was born I remember someone trying to explain to me the "mom guilt" that is an instantaneous emotion upon delivering a child. What am I doing wrong, not doing at all, how am I hurting, not offering the very best, the list goes on and on of how we, as mothers, torture ourselves racked with guilt over our actions, thoughts, and lack of actions and thoughts. And it's true... I know well now that her words were wise and there is such a thing as this mom-guilt. But... I also know that there is another emotion felt instantaneously upon delivery of a child and that is love. Because of that love we do all we can to make their lives perfect, wonderful, better than our own. We torment ourselves with guilt when we feel we have somehow robbed them of something when in reality, just being their mothers is the greatest and most loving gift we could ever offer them. We lay awake wondering how we can be better, but forgetting that we ARE trying to be better. That it (they) matter enough to us for us to think of new techniques, strategies, disciplines, that will be better received, more effective, or simply more loving. We drop to our knees and plead with our father in heaven for guidance on how to be the best mothers we can be and how to do our jobs to our greatest potential. And every day we fail... but every single solitary day we also succeed. And that is what it means to be a mother.